


Talk Me Down

by wednesdays__child



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Masturbation, Pining, Tears, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-28 06:02:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10075469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wednesdays__child/pseuds/wednesdays__child
Summary: After Jason Gideon's death, Aaron and Spencer come to a realizaiton.





	1. Talk Me Down

**Author's Note:**

> Title and quotes from the song "Talk Me Down" by Troye Sivan.
> 
> Spoilers for episode "Nelson's Sparrow" Season 10 episode 13.
> 
> Unbetaed - sorry. All mistakes are my own.

*************

_I wanna sleep next to you but that's all I wanna do right now so come over now and talk me down._

He was gone. Spencer knew Gideon had been gone for so long, years in fact, but he still had a connection, a way to have his mentor there, even if it wasn't direct contact. He still had him, still had Jason.

But now, he was gone. Completely gone. 

He had stood over the body, the body that used to be so full of life, so full of questions, so full of passion. Now it was cool and quiet, covered by a white sheet on a cold metal slab.

That had almost been too much for the young man, knowing that Jason was no longer there, just a body - a body that would soon be gone, reduced to dust. Jason had always made his desires known. He wanted to cremated and his ashes scattered in the woods by his cabin. Spencer was determined to make sure his wishes were carried out. 

He stood in the driveway, speaking with Stephen. He heard Hotch and Rossi, heard the stories they shared, talking about Jason. They were smiling, laughing, remembering a time when Gideon had been happy, when they all had been happy. He supposed there would be lots of that - stories told and memories shared. But right now, every story hurt, every memory felt like a knife, cutting deep, leaving him raw and bleeding. 

They left then, one at a time, each of them heading to their own vehicles to head back to their lives, their own little piece of the world. 

Spencer left last, not wanting to go home because now home would just feel like a room full of silence and ghosts and thoughts he wasn't ready to face. He could already feel the itch under his skin, the ache that he knew would build and rise until he could no longer stand it.

He was nearly halfway home when he heard his phone. It was a text message. Pulling into a gas station to find a restroom, he looked at the message. It was from Hotch.

_*Are you home?*_

Spencer answered quickly. " _*Not yet. Needed to stop on the way*_

The phone was quiet for a long time. Finally it buzzed again. _*Could you come by?*_

Stunned, Spencer wondered at the request. Was Hotch worried about him using again? Had he seen something in Spencer eyes? Knew his need? Felt his desire?

Another buzz. _*Please*_

_*Of course. Be there in 20*_

Spencer sighed. Not knowing what to expect, he quickly made his way to Hotch's apartment. He knocked and waited. The sight that greeted him was not one he expected.

Hotch stood before him in faded jeans, a worn t-shirt and bare feet. The look on his face was pure pain, sadness like Spencer had only ever seen once before. 

"Hotch?" he asked softly.

"Spencer," the older man greeted softly. "Please come in."

Once Hotch had ushered him in and closed the door, they stood staring at each other, neither really knowing what to say.

"Thanks..." Hotch started.

"Hotch..." Spencer said.

They both froze, staring at each other again. 

"Hotch, why am I here?" Spencer finally asked.

The older man watched, silent and stoic, hands shoved in his pockets as he rocked back and forth on his bare feet. 

"I want to sleep next to you..." he whispered.

Spencer started at that, his eyes growing wide in surprise.

"...But that's all I want to do right now."

"Right now?" Spencer squeaked out, shock coloring his voice. 

Hotch sighed, quickly reaching up to rub his hands over his face. Spencer could tell this was hard for the other man but he didn't know how to make it better. 

"We talked, Jason and I," he started as soon as he pulled his hands away from his face. "Not a lot and not often but we did. We kept in contact as much as he would allow. We talked about where he had gone, what he had seen. He asked about the team, kept up on the ones he knew, found out about the ones he didn't. He asked about Jack and you. He always wanted to know about you."

"Me?" Spencer asked.

Hotch started to pace then. "Yes, you. He knew what I thought about you, how I felt - shit, feel - about you. He kept telling me I was an idiot. He's right. He's so right. I can't even - even after everything - everything he said and did and tried to do. I can't even do that. Christ! If I'm honest with myself, I could say he made it a last wish, a final request and I can't even get through it without fucking that up!"

Spencer was stunned into silence. He had never seen the stoic Unit Chief like this before. Hotch was irritated and rambling and not make a bit of sense. When the older man made another pass by him, Spencer reached out and stopped him with a tight grip on his arm.

"Hotch, what is going on?"

Dark eyes bored into his own, the heavy circles beneath them making Hotch look tired and worn.

"I want to come home to you. I want to hold hands with you. I want get close to you but I don't know how. I want you here. I want to get to know you and learn about you, not just as a colleague. I want so much and I don't know how to say it because all I can think is that I'm going to fuck it up just like I did with Haley, just like I did with Beth. I don't trust myself with my 3 am shadow but I'd rather fuel a fantasy than deal with this alone.

"Jason used to talk me down when things got too much or I thought I couldn't take anymore. He grounded me, yelled at me, and now he's gone. Who's going to keep the nightmares away?"

When Spencer didn't respond, he pushed forward.

"He knew. He always knew. He told me to tell you before it was too late. But I didn't know, couldn't know, when was the right time? And what if you didn't feel the same? I didn't want to lose our friendship. I truly treasure that, Spencer. I hope you know that."

He nodded slowly.

"He told me to tell you the last time he and I talked. He said we were two of his very favorite people and that nothing would make him happier than to see us happy together. The last thing he said before he hung up the phone was 'Tell him, Aaron. I know Spencer wants you too.'"

He tried to keep his face as neutral as possible, tried not to give anything away.

"So I'm telling you because he wanted me to tell you. I want to sleep next to you and that's all I want to do right now. I need to get through this night and know that it's going to be okay. That tomorrow is going to come and the world will be alright, even without Jason Gideon in it. I just...I want to be close to you."

Spencer was stunned. This was the last thing he expected to hear. He liked his boss, thought that he was a good man, but he'd never considered him in that way. Hotch was so different from him, dark and strong and serious. He'd never been with a man and was shocked that Hotch would be willing to. He was out of his realm, so far out of his comfort zone. He really didn't know what to say.

"Hotch..." he started.

"Aaron," the older practically begged. "Please, Spencer. Call me Aaron."

This was getting weirder.

"Aaron." he tried again. "I don't know. I've never thought...this is so far outside..."

"I know. It's too much too fast. You don't want me.," Hotch said then, pulling away, immediately taking Spencer's reaction as rejection. Before the older man could get too far, Spencer pulled him back in.

"I didn't say no," he whispered.

Aaron looked at him then, searching for deceit and finding none. He stepped closer until their chests nearly touched. "Stay?" 

Spencer nodded, unsure of what else to do. He didn't want to let Aaron down, but he didn't know if he felt anything for the older man, if he even **could** feel anything for him. At the nod, Aaron reached down and took Spencer's hand in his, lacing their fingers together. Just that simple act changed the man's face, his eyes came alive and the dimples he normally hid burst into existence. Slowly he pulled Spencer down the hallway toward his bedroom.

"Jack?" Spencer asked.

"At Jessica's." Aaron answered quietly. "We can go pick him up in the morning."

Spencer didn't miss the 'we'.

Once they were in the bedroom, Aaron began to unbutton his jeans. Spencer held back the sharp edge of panic, wondering exactly how far this was going to go. Once the denim hit the floor, he crawled onto the bed and smiled up at Spencer.

"I think boxers and t-shirts should be okay."

Spencer sighed in relief and stripped down to match his boss. He crawled up on the bed and gasped lightly as he was easily manhandled into the position that Aaron wanted. Laying on his side, Aaron pressed up against his back, arm thrown around his chest, holding Spencer close. He forgot how to breathe for a minute. This was all so foreign to him. He'd never been cuddled like this and never with a man. After a moment or two, he felt the arm around him tighten and the chest against his back begin to quake. At first, he thought Aaron might be laughing. Then the cold realization hit him. Hotch was crying.

He shushed the older man, reaching up to thread their fingers together again. 

Hotch cried harder.

He rolled onto his back and pulled the older man to his chest, letting Aaron purge his emotions and unload his grief.

"I'm so sorry," Aaron gasped. "I know you're still grieving too."

Spencer quieted him again. "You need this, Aaron. Never apologize for being human."

He felt the head on his chest nod and soon the wracking sobs quieted and the weeping man stilled, wrung out and sleeping across his body.

Spencer looked down at the dark head on his chest. He wondered what he had just gotten himself into. Why had Aaron chosen him? What was he going to do? Did he even want to explore that idea? He felt like he was walking a fine line, like he was stuck on a bridge between doing what was right and doing what someone needed. There were grey areas and expectations and he felt, suddenly, like he wasn't the one. Not the one that Hotch wanted. Not the one that Hotch needed.

He would stay the night. He would sleep next to Hotch, hold his hand, be there for him and let him grieve. Then maybe tomorrow...maybe tomorrow he would let him down. 

_But i want to sleep next to you and that's all I wanna do right now. And I wanna come home to you but home if just a room full of my safest sounds. So come over now and talk me down._


	2. Only Fools Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two weeks later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Karl apparently was not done with Aaron. I have no control over him at all. 
> 
> Title from the song Fools by Troye Sivan.

*************

_Only fools fall for you. Only fools do what I do. Only fools fall._

Aaron woke slowly in the same position he'd been waking in for the last two weeks, curled around the younger man, holding him safe and tight. Spencer had stayed that first night and then stayed every night ever since. He kept the nightmares away, kept him warm and comforted. He sighed and tried to bury his face even further in the warm chest beneath his cheek. 

He didn't want to wake. Waking meant he had to face the stark reality of what his life had become. He wanted Spencer. He wanted Spencer here. He wanted so much. 

He wanted swimming pools and living rooms and vacations in some place that had nothing to do with cases and Unsubs. He wanted a little house on a hill and picking out children's names. He wanted quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray. But he knew he'd never have that and it was all his fault. 

He'd fallen in love. He knew it was stupid and a completely foolish thing to do. But he'd already been halfway there before he'd been held in those tender but surprisingly strong arms every night for two weeks. When they were in bed, he could pretend. This could be everything he wanted, all he needed. But in the stark light of day, he could see the truth.

Spencer didn't love him - didn't feel anything for him at all. He saw no need in his deep hazel eyes, felt no desire in his tentative, gentle touch. When Aaron reached for his hand, Spencer didn't retreat but he didn't jump at the chance to touch him. When Aaron tried to talk about what they were, what they could be, he would dodge the conversation.

Spencer was good with Jack - that was probably the hardest part - seeing the boy blossom under the attention, smiling and laughing as he learned something in the most interesting way possible. Aaron would have been happy to have them as a family, even expanding that family, but it would never happen.

Because Spencer didn't love him. 

So he closed his eyes and buried under the blankets again, simply listening to the younger man's heart beating, trying to memorize the pattern in the hopes that he would be able recall it on those long, lonely nights sure to come. 

He'd tried so hard to hide it, but he knew Spencer could see. They were both trained profilers, they knew what to look for, it was a part of who they were. But for some reason, Hotch just hoped to hold on to this, hold on to this small bit, for however long he might have it.

He got too comfortable and let himself relax, let himself get lost in the fantasy and soon he found himself getting hard, his cock filling where it was nestled against Spencer's warm thigh. His fingers traced across the soft material of the thin t-shirt covering the lightly muscled chest. He longed to dip his fingers beneath the hem and find out if the skin beneath was as soft as he imagined. 

He felt the moment Spencer woke, the sharp intake of breath, the tense of the arm around him. He shifted his hips back, pulling away the erection he knew Spencer would ignore to spare him the embarrassment. Spencer relaxed slowly, pulling Aaron in a little closer.

He felt a small kiss placed on the top of his head. Another thing that he had grown accustom to. 

"Good morning, Hotch."

One thing he could not break Spencer of. How could you love someone if you couldn't even say their first name? 

"Good morning, Spencer."

"Did you sleep well?"

Aaron smiled. He was so considerate. He cared, that much he didn't worry about, but love? Not like Aaron loved him.

"Yeah. Thanks."

They stayed like that for a long time, Aaron curled into Spencer's side, Spencer's arm warm around him, his fingers trailing over Aaron's strong shoulder. He loved this moment, when they were together like this. It was soft and quiet and he could pretend. Pretend that it was always going to be like this, that this was who they were, what they had.

Spencer lightly cleared his throat, the silently agreed upon signal that he was ready to move, ready to disturb this spot, their place. Aaron sighed, knowing that his time was up. Slowly, he began to move, sitting up and resting on the edge of the bed. He steeled himself before he turned just his head.

"Do you mind if I take the shower first?"

"No," Spencer said with a smile, his hands over his head as he stretched languidly, groaning softly. If he knew what that did to Aaron, what it stirred inside him, he would never do something like that again. He quickly rose and hurried to the safety of the bathroom, closing the door behind him before he collapsed against it.

His legs slowly worked, helping him make his way to the shower. As he waited for the water to heat, he stripped, dropping the clothes to the floor before stepping under the warm spray. He hated to wash away the smell of them, Spencer's cologne and hair product still clinging to his skin. But he knew he had to give it up. This couldn't go on forever. 

He quickly washed himself and gasped when his hand brushed his groin. His morning erection had persisted, demanding attention. He wondered if this was a good idea with Spencer just outside the door. He could hear, or worse, walk in. The brush of fingertips felt so good, he decided to take the chance.

Slicking up his hand, he cupped his length, slowly stoking the hard flesh. He bit his lips hard, digging the teeth in to keep from crying out. He didn't do this much, not any more, but this felt so good. Sighing, he leaned against the shower wall, supporting himself with the right forearm while his left found his pleasure. He stroked himself, slowly at first and then quickly picking up speed. He pulled images to mind - Spencer's smile, his laugh, the way his long, elegant fingers would move and bounce to articulate his thoughts as he rambled. They were all a part of what made him so deliciously attractive to Aaron. He thought about the vision from this morning, Spencer with his hands over head, stretching out that long, lithe body, the edge of his shirt rising to show a peek of tantalizing skin. If only Aaron could reach down and lift the soft cotton, see what was hiding beneath. That thought alone made him groan, his hand clenching tight around his cock.

"Hotch?" Spencer called through the door.

He gasped. The excitement of being caught and the sound of that voice spurred him onward as he stripped his cock faster.

"Yeah," he answered, knowing that his voice sounded strained and wrong. He was close. So close.

"You okay? Do you need any help?"

He forced back a laugh. He needed help all right. Just what kind of help, he didn't really know.

"I'm good, Spencer," he called, pushing his body, begging for release. Finally, just as he heard the younger man walking away with a quiet "okay, just don't use all the hot water, Aaron", he felt that finally pull, his name falling from Spencer's lips finally tipping him over the edge. He pulsed over his hand and against the wall. He watched as it disappeared, just gone. Splashing water over his body, he washed away any evidence that he'd spilt anything, come or tears, watching it all slip down the drain. 

Spencer smiled at him when he finally escaped the safety of the bathroom, something soft and gentle, not accusatory or harsh, even though he had to have known what Aaron was doing. It was obvious, wasn't it? He suddenly felt ashamed. This wasn't fair. Not to Spencer. Not to Jack. And not to him. 

He dressed quickly, putting on his armor, needing every trick he knew to be ready for what he had to do.

Standing in the kitchen. he got the coffee ready and fixed breakfast for his boys.

Aaron stopped short. His boys. He was already attached and so was Jack. He'd always gotten attached too easily, fell too fast. But with Spencer, it wasn't fast at all. Respect, affection, concern, attraction. It all happened so slowly, it just creeped up on him and now Aaron Hotchner was in too deep. 

Jack came out first, smiling at the food waiting for them. 

"Thanks Dad," he said before tucking into his egg sandwich.

Spencer was next, smiling as Aaron handed him his coffee.

"Thanks Hotch."

Aaron held back the flinch but smiled instead. 

"So what do you want to do for dinner tonight, Jack?" he asked.

"I don't know. What do you want, Spencer?"

"Well, Jack," Aaron interrupted before the other man could answer. "I don't know if Spencer is coming over tonight or not."

He wasn't sure, but he thought he saw a small look of sadness pass over Spencer's features. 

"Why not?"

"Well, he's got his own life and his own apartment," Aaron reasoned. "Just because he was nice enough to stay with us while your old dad here got over Jason's death doesn't mean he doesn't have other things he needs to do."

"Do you?" Jack asked Spencer.

"What?" the shocked man asked.

"Have other things to do?"

"I..." Spencer started, looking between the two Hotchner men. "Actually, I do, Jack, I have some papers I've been working on and I haven't touched them in a while. But I'd still like to come by and see you guys."

Both men saw it then. The sadness, the sorrow, the disappointment crossing the small, ten year old's face. "It's okay," Jack whispered, dropping the last uneaten bite of his sandwich onto his plate. "I get it."

Just then, Jessica showed up, smiling as she plowed through the door. "Come on, Jack. We've gotta go!" she said with a large smile on her face. "OH! Sandwiches. One for me?"

Aaron handed her the one he'd made for her and she quickly ushered out her nephew, never acknowledging the tension in the room.

"What was that?" Spencer asked once the door was closed.

Aaron used the excuse of cleaning up the dishes to keep from facing the younger man. 

"What was what?"

"That! Maybe Spencer has other things to do?"

"You do." Aaron countered, trying to remain calm. "You said so yourself."

"Just because I have other things to do doesn't mean I don't want to be here, Hotch."

"And just why do you want to be here, Spencer?" Aaron demanded, his voice colored with his frustration. "I gave you an out. Take it."

"An out? Why would I need an out?"

"Because of this, Spencer. This whatever the fuck this is between us. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep laying next to you and not pretend that all I want to do is touch you and kiss you and mark you and make you mine. I can't wake up in the morning smelling like you and just want to bathe in that scent all day. I can't pretend to be a family with you. I did that with Haley. I tried to do that with Beth. I can't do that to Jack.

"I can't do this because I am in love with you."

Spencer froze, his eyes open in shock, as he fought for the right words to say. "You're what?"

"I'm in love with you, Spencer Reid," he enunciated clearly. "But you can't even say my name. That first night after Jason died, I just needed you here and when I woke up, I thought I was the happiest I've ever been. Then you agreed to stay the next night and I thought that was the happiest I've ever been. But every morning guts me because I know that while it's real for me, it's not for you."

"How do you know it's not real for me?"

Aaron took the challenge. He stepped forward, slowly reaching up to ghost his fingers over the younger man's face. He sighed at the smoothness of jaw, cupping the defined lines of jaw and cheekbone before leaning in, brushing their lips together. It was gentle at first, soft and tender, before he pulled the other man in, licking the seam of his lips before gaining entrance. He licked and explored, enjoying this chance, this one chance, his only chance to kiss his love. 

Pulling away, he rested his forehead against Spencer's.

"I know it's not real because if it was, you would have kissed me back."

He stepped away then to lean against the counter. 

"I'm a fool, Spencer," he whispered to the floor. "I fell for you and I'd hoped that being here with me, you'd fall for me. Foolish, I know. But hopefully we can still be friends."

"Friends," Spencer answered quietly. He was obviously still in shock and Aaron wondered if he needed to worry about the younger man. "I'd like that."

"Good. I'm sorry, Spencer."

"For what?"

"For all of this." He looked up then. He really was sorry. Sorry that he had pushed himself on this young, vibrant man. One who had so much going for him. He was brilliant and clever and beautiful. He didn't need an old, scarred man who needed to be held to keep his nightmares away. 

He was sorry.

Suddenly their phone vibrated. They had a case.

"Did you bring your car?" Aaron asked.

Spencer nodded.

"We'd better go then."

Spencer grabbed his go-bag while Aaron retrieved their guns from the safe. When he handed over the revolver, Spencer gripped his wrist tight.

"I'm sorry, Hotch."

He knew what was about to be said, but he just had to ask.

"What for?"

"For not being able to say it back."

Aaron chuckled, soft and sad. "It's okay, Spencer. It's my mistake."

They left then, Aaron in his car and Spencer in his. Aaron was glad for the quiet today - no constant chatter on the next Doctor Who episode or which experiments that might try next. He was glad that he didn't have to explain every song that came on the radio or have to defend his musical choices. He was glad. He **was** glad. He would keep telling himself that until he believed.

He was a fool because only fools fall.


	3. Stupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Spencer deal with their new situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One last chapter.
> 
> Title and quotes from the song Stupid by Sarah McLachlan.

*************

_You come around in you time speaking of fabulous places, create an oasis, that dries up as soon as your gone. You leave me here burning in this desert without you. How stupid could I be? A simpleton could see that you're no good for me but you're the only one I see._

Spencer sat and smiled as he searched the website looking for a new experiment or a new game to play with Jack the next week. He was enjoying the time he had with the young boy. Hotch had agreed to let him come over once a week to hang out with his son, usually having dinner and doing some sort of game or experiment. Spencer had been amazed at how well the boy had taken to learning. Jack asked great questions and always came out of every evening with something new to share. It made Spencer smile knowing that he was helpful in fueling that love of learning.

The night before had been more fun than experiment, although they had talked about color theory as they went. Spencer had found a game on the current website he was searching that Jack had loved. It was simply pouring small pools of washable fingerpaints on each of the dots on a Twister board and then playing the game like normal.

They had all had a good time - Spencer, Jack and even Hotch. They had laughed and teased one another, the competition between them hot and heavy. The colors mixed as they put hand over foot, bending and twisting in so many different ways. Eventually, they ended up in a pile of limbs, laughing and simply trying to cover each other in paint. They all ended up a mess, paint in their hair, their eyebrows, everywhere. They talked then about how different colors were made by mixing different pigments, how colors of light were different than colors of paint. It had been fun and he had left smiling despite the feelings they were all denying. 

Spencer found the next possible experiment. It was a simple experiment to demonstrate the concept of refraction, one that he could easily prepare for the next week's visit. He quickly printed up the instructions and items he would need before heading up to Hotch's office. He bounced up the stairs, smiling widely as he knocked lightly on the door. 

"Come in," he heard called from within.

"Hotch!" he called as he slipped in the office, softly closing the door behind him. "I found a great experiment for next week. It's simple and really informative and way less messy than last night's experiment." 

"Oh, is that what we were doing last night? An experiment? I thought it was just an excuse to make a giant mess."

Hotch was smiling that soft, easy smile that made Spencer's heart beat a little bit harder, the one that let Spencer know that he was teasing him. 

"Well, yeah," Spencer admitted, smiling back at Hotch's chuckle. "But we did get a good lesson out of it."

"True. I even learned a thing or two."

Spencer couldn't help but smile at that. He loved the dissemination of knowledge. "Well, I have a new experiment for next week," he said, quickly coming around the desk to show the older man the papers he had printed. "It is an easy description of refraction of light, regular light and under water. I promise no major mess this time."

Hotch leaned over and studied the list before him, smiling and nodding as he went. "Yeah," he said, "We can do this. This looks fun. I think Jack will really like it." He kept reading the list as Spencer watched him. They were close, so close that Spencer could smell him. It was so familiar, he remembered it from the nights they lay together, tangled around each other in Aaron's bed. So many nights he stayed awake after Aaron fell asleep, just holding the other man, wondering what it really was he doing, if he was helping or hurting. 

He turned to stare at the man now smiling down at the instructions, taking in the strong jaw, the bare hint of stubble starting to form across it. The dimples that creased his cheeks as he smiled were so prominent, more so than Spencer normally saw at work. He looked up at the raven colored hair and noticed a bit of green paint in his ear.

Chocolate eyes suddenly caught his own as Aaron turned his head. They were close, closer than Spencer realized before. He reached his hand up, running fingertips over the shell of his ear. 

"You have paint," Spencer whispered, his voice loud in the quiet room, "Just here."

"Reid," Aaron whispered. They stared at each other, watching, close. so close. Spencer beamed for a moment before he watched the smile slide off Aaron's face. Warm fingers grasped his own before they were quickly pulled away from where they were still tracing the shell of Aaron's ear. His hand was forced away and a small, sad smile graced Aaron's face. "Thank you. We can do this next week."

Spencer stood up then before leaning forward and picking up the instructions. He noticed the dismissal for what it was, somehow missing hearing his first name falling from Aaron's lips. 

"I'll get this ready to go."

"Thanks, Reid. Jack's going to love it."

He smiled and waved from the door as he left. Aaron didn't even look up from his paperwork and Spencer wondered at the disappointment he felt.

*************

Spencer showed up on time for their weekly dinner, his arms laden with all he needed for the evening's experiment. As he approached the door, he heard a small giggle from the door down the hall. A woman walked out of the Hotchner's apartment, blonde and pretty. Hotch followed her out and Spencer stared as she leaned forward and laid her hand on his bare forearm, smiling wide. He felt a quick, sharp stab of something...something that burned deep in his belly watching this woman being so familiar with his...what? His friend?

"Spencer!" he heard called, smiling at the young boy yelling his name.

"Hey, Jack," he responded.

"Need some help there, Reid?" 

"Sure," he said, easily handing over some of the bags he'd brought. "Be careful with the second one. It's heavy."

"Bye, Aaron," the pretty thing called as she walked down the hallway. Spencer didn't know whether or not to be upset that he was not introduced but he was certainly unhappy that she called him by his first name.

Once they were inside, Jack took over and they quickly set about getting the experiment ready. It was a fun night. Dinner had been a simple but tasty affair and the experiment had been a great success with both Jack and Aaron asking plenty of questions and learning the answers. Spencer was never more happy than when he was helping someone else learn something new. 

Spencer was cleaning up and packing away the last of the experiment when Aaron came in from putting Jack down for bed. This was always the worst time, the time when they both fought with what they wanted, what they wanted to do. 

Just over a month ago, they would be getting ready for bed and Spencer would hold Aaron while he talked or told a story, sometimes crying himself to sleep. But now there was an awkward moment of figuring out what came next.

"Thanks again, Reid," Hotch said as he stepped up beside him, helping to pack up the supplies. "This was really fun. Jack liked this one."

"I told you, Hotch, it's not a problem. I like coming over and doing things like this. It gives me something to do. I'm starting to realize how much I miss you. Both of you."

Aaron smiled, dropping his head as they finished up. "Jack misses you too."

Spencer frowned. He turned and stared at the older man. He wanted to ask, "Just Jack?" He wanted to ask to stay, even if it was just one more time, but he didn't. He waited for Hotch to say something.

When he didn't, Spencer blurted out the first thing that came to his mind.

"Who was that woman earlier?"

"Woman?" Hotch asked.

"The blonde? She was leaving just as I got here."

"Jana? She's my neighbor a few doors down."

And that was it. That was all the information that Hotch was giving him. Spencer didn't know why that thought upset him so much. For some reason, he expected more, believed he deserved more.

"Oh."

They stared at each other for several moments before Hotch cleared his throat - their silently agreed upon signal that it was time to move on. Spencer bristled.

Aaron began to usher him to the door when Spencer stopped and looked at him.

"What are you doing Friday night?"

That seemed to freeze the older man in his tracks. He stopped and stared at Spencer for a moment, as if he was trying to find an ulterior motive. Finding none, he answered, "Nothing, assuming we don't have a case."

"Well, Jack was mentioning that he had a sleepover and I was wondering..."

"Reid," Aaron cut him off. "I don't think us spending extra time outside of work without Jack around is a good idea."

"But I miss spending time with you. I miss you, Hotch."

"So you've said. But I don't think that's healthy of either of us. I don't want to fall back into this cycle of wanting you around and not being able to just let you go when you don't want what I want. It's all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old, familiar shoes. Everything changes, Spencer. Everything falls apart. I can't stand to feel myself losing control and I know if take that step...

"I just can't, okay? I enjoy this time we have. Let's take it for what it is and leave it at that."

Aaron smiled that soft, sad smile - the one that made Spencer feel like he was missing something. 

"Okay, Hotch."

They walked to the door and as he shut it, Aaron whispered, "Good night, Spencer."

_Spencer._ He'd missed that. Spencer not Reid. Aaron not Hotch. What was he doing? Why did this all feel this way? He wanted to be the one escorted out with a smile and a touch, not a sad whispered word through the door.

How stupid could he be? For a genius, he felt incredibly stupid. He'd hurt a good man. Broken someone who felt like he needed to protect his heart from Spencer. He'd never felt so bad in his entire life. And he missed being here, feeling welcome and wanted. He wanted to feel the older man in his arms, warm and solid against his chest. His bed felt too big and too cold. He missed breakfasts and dinners and quiet conversations before they drifted off to sleep.

He missed Aaron. He missed who he was when he was around Aaron. 

He came to an abrupt realization. He wanted Aaron Hotchner.

He was falling in love with Aaron Hotchner. 

It was time to make it up to him, make up for all the sadness and doubt that Spencer had caused. And he would. He would make Aaron see the man he could be, one smart enough to love him for who he was.

**END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea was to give this a happy ending. Karl had other ideas. 
> 
> There will a sequel for Spencer to make this better.
> 
> Thanks for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been helping my sister deal with the unexpected death of her husband over the last few days. This song played on Pandora on my way up. This just kinda happened as my way to deal with the grief. I'm upset - I hurt Aaron. Sorry.


End file.
